Not that the purpose of this blog is to be preachy or religious in nature…but it begins at a time of the celebration of easter. So that is where this begins…as I ponder the meaning of “resurrection” and how that applies within my own life.
This hit me square in the eyes mid-day last friday (and good friday at that)…pretty much out of the blue I was overcome with emotion and a state of sadness that was certainly unexpected. My husband, Dave asked me why I was so sad…and I began to think about just that. After letting it sit for the rest of the day, it wasn’t until the next morning when i had some quiet time, that I began to journal…and here is what came out of that…
4/23/11 inspired writing:
Good Friday was yesterday and it was an unusual experience for me personally…it began with a great breakfast with two friends (one new and one old) where the sharing and synergy between the three of us was off the charts amazing…I so look forward to seeing what greatness comes out of this new found triangle of talents :-) …as is said, where two or more are gathered!
From there I went down to pick up Dave from the airport after an east coast outing to visit with some of his ballplayers. During a re-cap of some of his developments from the trip, it became apparent that something else was coming into play for me…I became irritable and just plain sad…and then it hit me what day it was and what time of day it was…tears came up and I began sharing some of my innermost feelings with Dave and how I was feeling…I asked him to write on it (which basically means an “inspired writing” process for us where we take the time to get in touch with divine and inner guidance) and…what came through was a message for me to not return to the pain but to spend time and thoroughly enjoy my family now in the present…
As is usually the case, I was not even aware of this thing I might be doing (isn’t it funny how an outside perspective can instantly cut to the chase and show you something that is not so obvious to ourselves?).
So this got me thinking…am I seeking to relive the pain and anguish of the events of Good Friday? Or am I simply honoring or remembering what occurred? How do you stay in touch with the past without being re-immersed into that experience? I am tempted to watch the DVD “Passion of the Christ” because it was such a profound experience in the past for me (so much so that after watching it for the first time in the movie theaters, I found myself unable to even talk to my husband about it afterwards and even had to wait until the next morning – it was just too painful and the raw feelings of emotions could not yet be expressed)…but then I teeter to the other side where I am being told I should stay and that is in the present here and now with the love of my family.
As I write these words emotions and tears rise to the surface and I wonder what is really going on here…the past holds truths and wisdom upon which to build a greater future, but how do you do that and visit with the past without being held prisoner with it now while trying to attempt living a full and meaningful like in the present? There seems to be a delicate balance between knowing your past and moving through it and creating a better future. I always say that my core purpose is to “remember who you are…and why you are here” and by allowing myself to do just that…to remember who I am, I find that much of that is hidden and actually lies in the past waiting to be revealed. And by going through the process of remembering…and getting random glimpses of past events from lifetimes ago and history past…pieces of the puzzle begin to connect and a bigger picture begins to take shape and form.
So, I ask again…how do I stay in touch with the past without being held prisoner to the pain? It is meaningless and unproductive to do so? Or perhaps there is some aspect of that pain that can be liberating and productive – they say the truth shall set you free, but I can’t help to think that finding that, or in some cases “reliving” the truth can be painful and very sad at times…is this wrong? Is this counter-productive in living life to its fullest in the present?
[With so many questions floating around in my head, I turned inward to quiet my mind and did my own “inspired writing process” to seek answers. This is what came to me after doing just that:]Yes my child you are loved…most deeply and profoundly…it is okay to now allow that love to crumble the walls you have constructed to protect your wounded heart. It is okay to allow it (your heart) to feel…feel the pain and feel the love that is available at every moment and in every instance. Let the remaining blocks and mortar to fall away and crumble in a heap at the foot of your cross. No longer should you attempt to move forward without the tremendous weight and burden of those bricks and stones step forward in the light and love and pure essence of who you really are and that which you are meant to be…a life fully realized and experienced in truth and transparency standing naked in the center of my love to guide you forward…with no pain or sorrow to hold you back or bind you…break free from the straps you have wrapped so skillfully around that which you are trying to protect…and protect from what? A life of love that you are here to experience? A life filled with purpose you are meant to live? It is okay to revisit the past and to feel the emotions that come with that experience naturally and organically, just be mindful to stay in touch with the love of the present and with gratitude and great reverence for all life in this moment, which is naturally the present moment – a life full of grace. These are the moments to thank God you are alive J I love you dearly with all of my heart and essence and in “every” moment of every existence across the universes and in all constructions of time and space – always and in all ways!
So there you have it…my inner most thoughts and feelings! Part of me is reluctant to share this and part of me knows that it is time…
You see it is not all about me…it is about us. The community we build around us and the relationships we build in trust and transparency. I invite you into this community and would really like to know what you think…I’d like to engage in an open conversation and see what comes out of it! You may think I’m nuts or am perhaps “off my rocker,” but I am going to put “my love my life” out there and invite you to do the same!
Please leave a comment and tell me what you think…
Gratefully yours,
ps. i did end up watching “Passion of the Christ” the day after easter…but i will save those insights for another day s this post is already long enough :-)
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